Terrible to think she was supporting The Script last week. What an insult – The Script ain’t fit to kiss her big black bootie!
David’s son – now known as Duncan Jones – strings together a low budget movie to rival The Man Who Fell To Earth. Keep it in the family. Eh? Opens on July 17th.
Customers Please Note: Brown Bread is Irish slang for Dead! Geddit Now?
Story One:
The rumours about Michael Jackson having a cardiac arrest in hospital are untrue. He was found in the children’s ward having a stroke.
Story Two:
In a final twist to his unusual life Michael Jackson’s Will has revealed his wish for his remains to be recycled as shopping bags. Apparently this satisfies his desire to remain plastic, white and dangerous for kid’s to play with.
Story Three:
This evening Billy Jean lodged a long overdue claim against the Jackson estate. Apparently the child WAS his son.
Story Four:
Michael Jackson V’s Achmed The Dead Terrorist
Story Five:
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Story Six:
Michael Jackson’s will specifies that his team of pallbearers is to be made up exclusively of twenty-eight year-olds.
Why? Because there are twenty of them.
Story Seven:
Farrah Fawcett died yesterday. At the pearly gates of heaven, God said he would grant her one wish. She replied, “Keep all of earth’s children safe.” The next day, Micheal Jackson died.
Story Eight:
What has Michael Jackson asked for, for Christmas?
Patrick Swayze.
Story Nine:
The Jackson Family have been accused of showing little emotion at the death of Michael. Experts maintain that this is a direct result of Botox.
More Wakko stories as they happen….
Second time lucky for British electro pop duo Elly Jackson & Ben Langmaid.
Available on download now.
Timely summer festival anthem from the UK’s favourite funksters.
(Released June 22nd)
London based Penate’s debut single from his second album – available to download from today.
So despite Kate Walsh’s all-round big shiny teeth, it’s 27-year-old Yasmina Siadatan left holding the most famous – and pointless – job on television. 
The Functioning Alcoholic tried to catch up with the winner of The Apprentice 2009 to discuss victory, mistakes and Sir Alan for Prime Minister…but didn’t have her phone number.
So we made this up instead.
Congratulations Yasmina! What do you think swung it for you?
IMHO I think Sir Alan fancied the knickers off Kate but they have a “Don’t Screw The Crew” policy at Amstrad which would have made it impossible for him to knock boots with her. Now that particular door is wide open to them.
Was Kate “too perfect” to win the Apprentice?
Perfect is not a word I’d use to describe Kate. If you squint your eyes when you’re looking at her you’ll notice a close resemblance to Shergar. Her overt flatulence was also quite difficult to deal with and when she did that thing with the wine bottle I was quite shocked.
Do you think Philip played a part in her downfall too?
I’m very jealous of her relationship with Philip. The moment I laid eyes on him I wanted him in the worst way. I used to go to bed in the evening and make up little fantasies about him licking me.
Your chocolates in the final task were quite shocking and feisty – does that sum you up?
[Laughs] They were absolute shite – weren’t they? Who the fuck would combine those mixtures. Truthfully I deserved to get fucked off the show at that point. But, as I said before, the whole Alan & Kate thing meant I was a shoe-in regardless of my incompetence. I suppose you could say I’m a bit like those chocolates – a shitty brown colour on the outside and full of crap on the inside.
All the fired candidates came back for the last task – which ones were you looking forward to working with again?
Philip obviously. I was hopeful that he’d get a chance to slip me the finger at some point – but it just didn’t happen. As for the rest of them…they’re all just scheming little pricks and I hope they all die a horrible death.
Some candidates seem to go on the show to pick up media jobs afterwards. Do you fancy staying in the spotlight?
I’d like to do a bit of glamour modelling. Maybe Philip might take a bit more notice of me then. 
How brutal were those interviews in the semi-final episode? And has it made you re-think your C.V?
Everything on my CV was a lie, but I covered it up with more lies. I can’t wait to start the new job. I’m going to lie my little tit’s off.
Were there any moments where you doubted your ability?
Listen buster. I don’t got no ability.
How is the £100,000 salary gonna change your life?
Firstly I’m gonna get a boob job. A really massive one. Then I’m going round to Philip’s house and rub his face in them. Let’s see if that gets his todger standing to attention.
Sir Alan’s in parliament now but how about Sir Alan for Prime Minister?
He couldn’t be any worse than that fuckwit Brown or that Irish tosser Biffo Cowen. I’d love to see them both stripped naked, tied together facing one another and hung, for all to see, from the top of Big Ben. That would be puckka!
Thank you Yasmina.
Interview completely faked by The Functioning Alcoholic.
All rights reserved.
Messers White, Feitita & Lawerence get some vocal treatment courtesy of Alison Mosshart.
New Album Horehound out July 13th.
